Sober life is an adventure. This last weekend, I met someone whom I really, really liked. We had a wonderful weekend. In the course of it, I told him my story. The next day, things were different. I knew it was my story. Then, over the next few days, each moment brough more distance. Finally, I addressed the issue and he had to admit that it makes a huge difference to him. My past and my path of recovery. He does not understand it and has no experience with it. I was devasted. I had not felt anything so storngly for anyone in over 4 years. I did not intend to fall for him, but I did. It hurts. February is the month of love; the month of hope.
The facts are inescapable. I must lead a sober life and I can choose to make it a sober life of adventure. Like most everyone, I want to share it with someone, but my sobriety must always come first or I will lose it. I never want to go back to who and what I was. Secondly, my past shaped my present. I have a great deal of shame, but I also have a great deal of pride for overcoming so many obstacles I previously considered insurmountable. So, I have to TRUST that things turn out the way that they are supposed to and that everything turns out for the best.
The facts are inescapable. I must lead a sober life and I can choose to make it a sober life of adventure. Like most everyone, I want to share it with someone, but my sobriety must always come first or I will lose it. I never want to go back to who and what I was. Secondly, my past shaped my present. I have a great deal of shame, but I also have a great deal of pride for overcoming so many obstacles I previously considered insurmountable. So, I have to TRUST that things turn out the way that they are supposed to and that everything turns out for the best.
I learn. I learned that I can truly feel passion, that I can open my heart and live in love. This lesson, the journey from head to heart is the greatest adventure one can have.
These are difficult words to read, though well written. We always expect others to find our path to wholeness as meaningful and positive as we do. They won't always. So, our cloud of unrealistic optimism dissipates. But reality is more about sobriety than the "pink cloud" we so often see in early recovery. In alcoholism, my distorted perceptions were removed from my reality. In recovery I am constantly moving toward a clearer perspection of myself and where I am in this world. This is one of those lessons. Also, the need for love from others may predispose one to a flight from reality. If that need is too great, well, that is also something else to evaluate with our sponsors. Does it mean I need to work on self-love? Is this an old habit in a new form? These smaller steps grow our sobriety - but it does not mean they are not painful. Sadly, pain is part of this growth. Pain is what I tried to kill with the next drink and the next drug. Pain is a Red Flag to guide me on my path today.
ReplyDeleteI see a man who offers his lessons in recovery unabashedly for the benefit of others. If someone can't see his worth and is repelled by his journey toward wholeness - that person would have eventually brought much more negativity down the road. Love must be fully reciprocated to be true love.