End of September - A Lifetime of Amends...



We Want Peace logo from Emmanuel Jal

I divide each month into a virtue that I focus on each month - January = Honesty, February = Hope, March = Faith, April = Courage, May = Integrity, June = Willingness, July = Humility, August = Love and Compassion, September = Justice & Reparation, October = Perseverance, November = Spirituality, and December = Love & Service as a result of Gratitude...This month I have been making lots of amends and coming forth to take the justice due me.  It is my obligation that sets me free.  I have so many shameful actions from my drinking past.  I thought I could make up for them by doing good works in compensation for the bad I had done.  In the last 5 years, I have sought to correct the past my making a new past today.

While it is true that I cannot take back what has been done and I have no control over the past, I can make a difference today.  If I stop doing the things that I am not proud of today and tomorrow and the next day, I will soon string together weeks and months and years of fewer regrets and a past that I can look back on in satisfaction.  I am deeply sorry for the mistakes I made, but the only way for that regret to matter, to make any difference is by amending my behavior and by living a life of love and service now, today.  I am so full of love and gratitude for the new chances I have been given and I am humbled by the tasks at hand. 

Taking the First Step...

"Whatever you can do, or Dream you can do, BEGIN IT!! Boldness has genius, power and magic in it" - Goethe

Sobriety and the Miracle

I believe that my sobriety is truly a gift.  It is hard to believe what a mess I used to be and how I have been able to rise up from such a hopeless state of demoralization.  I had no idea that my life could be so good and that I could live without even the thought of drinking or alcoholism.  If I am asked what advice I have, I would say that certain slogans have kept me on track:

"Don't give up just before the miracle happens."

"If you do what you always have done, you will get what you always got."

"If you want what you never had, you have to do what you have never done."

"I got sober when I became willing to do the things that I did not want to do."

"I ceased fighting everyone and everything...I simply had to."

"I alone can do it, but I cannot do it alone."

God...Unseen Help

When I got sober, my spirituality grew.  I did not become more religious, just more in awe of the power of God, the God of my understanding.  I discovered that I had begun to believe in a God that I could trust.  In one of my daily meditation books, 24 Hours a Day, this is the Meditation for September 21:  "In improving our personal lives, we have Unseen help. We were not made so that we could see God. That would be too easy for us and there would be no merit in obeying Him. It takes an act of faith, a venture of belief, to realize the Unseen Power. Yet we have much evidence of God's existence in the strength that many people have received from the act of faith, the venture of belief. We are in a box of space and time and we can see neither our souls nor God. God and the human spirit are both outside the limitations of space and time. Yet our Unseen help is effective here and now. That has been proved in thousands of changed lives."  This has been true in my life and my recovery.

Be Yourself

In a world where you can be anything you want to be - Be Yourself!! This is one of the great trials of life to me and many in recovery.  We have been who others want us to be.  We have been who we imagine others want us to be.  We have been who we wish we were, but we were great actors.  I became the person I always wanted to be when I surrendered to who I truly was...When I got sober, I learned "To thine own self be true..." It took me a few years to begin to understand what that meant and to act upon it. Today, I am true to myself - I am honest, I have hope, I have faith, I have courage, I have integrity, I am willing to change, I am humbled by my reliance on God, I have love for all people, I have a sense of justice and preseverance, I am spiritual and I am very grateful. 

Balance...and a laugh



A photo by Gabriel Fernandez, New Smyrna Beach Florida

Balance is often the key to understanding my sobriety and recovery.  As a recovering person, I can easily get out of balance.  Too much of anything is not healthy as much as not enough of something.  When I establish spiritual routines, I help myself stay in balance.  Morning prayer, meditation, quiet contemplation and qigong or tai chi keep me peaceful.  If I forget to doing these things, I cannot punish myself or stress about it because that will throw me right back into unbalance.  Wearing my skin like a loose garment.  Seeing my office like I would this surf shop.  Nice.

Life is enough...

Today I went windsurfing at Eckerd College.  It might have been over 15 years since I had been windsurfing.  The water was nice and cool and the wind was light - and I was alive.  I remember my days in college at Eckerd as if they were truly yesterday and I remember my life up until that point - life is enough.  Simple to be alive is all I need today. 

Don't Limit Your Challenges... Challenge Your Limits - Anonymous

Anyone who has ever done anything worthwhile had to let go of old ideas and try something new!!! Today, my sobriety is about testing my own abilities to go beyond what I need to do to build a new and better life for myself. I am working hard to pursue my dreams, but always with the idea that my life is not my own and that I need to focus on what needs I can contribute to, what problems can I solve and how can I serve. I remember when I was in prison and became depressed that I could not see the sea. The idea that I would not be able to see the ocean for a long time made me so depressed. Then, I ready "Sailing Around the World Alone" by Joshua Slocum and I realized that I can be anywhere I want - even if just in my dreams! Dreams can come true. Less than a year later I was sailing on the Gulf of Mexico.

9/11/11 - Ten years later...Life goes on.

This morning I woke at 4:00 am to prepare for the Chicago Half Marathon which took place on the south side of Chicago near the Museum of Science and Industry and the University of Chicago.  I got ready and drove down to Jackson Park.  I parked in the Museum parking garage and walked in the dark listening to WBEZ on my iPod.  The program was Magnificent Obsession.  It is program of true stories of recovery.  It is produced by Jim Nayder and Jerry Sheridan.  Jerry Sheridan tried for several years to help me get sober.  I used to hear these episodes and knew I needed help, but for some reason, I could not make that step.  The preparation for the race made me realize how much my recovery and my sobriety have now permeated my life.  Recovery is everything as much as my alcoholism was before it had been arrested.  Today, I am strong, healthy, present and grateful. 

The race began and I will never forget the thrill of running in Chicago where I was so defeated.  A place I love so much.  Running for the kids in South Sudan - faces that look like so many of the faces of the children I passed along this race on the south side of Chicago.  The love I have for these people is unusually pure.  I feel like the best person I can be when I run for Emma Academy. 

Around mile (7) seven, I got really tired and sore.  I hit the wall a little and was really overheated.  The day was not too hot and was beautiful.  I thought about my poor time and felt shame.  I thought about the lack of donations and began to doubt why I do this.  Then, as I finished, it became clear why I do it - because it is a good thing to do.  I do this because there is no shame and there is only inner satisfaction.  God, I love this life of adventure.

h

Becoming authentic

I have many goals and dreams and I also have many doubts and insecurities.  However, in sobriety and in a life of adventure, the most important trait is honesty.  Honesty is more than not lying or only telling the truth.  Honesty is my ability to speak, act and believe without manipulation or deceit. I strive to be authentic and to be true to who I am and what I intend to be.

Doing the things that I did not want to do...

Doing the things that I did not want to do has been the most important tool of my recovery and my sober life as an adventure! I first heard this phrase "Doing the things I did not want to do" when Clancy I. mentioned it in his story. After over 10 years of trying to get sober and failing, Clancy finally got sober even when he had not intended to. A woman asked him what was different this time. He normally was glib and eloquent, but this time he was at a loss for words when he said "I don't know; I guess I just got willing to do the things I didn't want to do!"

This phrase and this prescription has served me well to achieve sobriety. I become willing, flexible and able to adjust to things that I don't like...in fact, I embrace them! I have learned over and over again that I actually do like to do the things that I thought I would not like - if only I open my mind and try. 

A New Freedom

September is the month of justice or redemption - restitution for harms done.  I have so many amends that I cannot make yet, but continue to try to make.  Many of my amends are very difficult, but I intend to make everything right before I die.  I feel free for the first time in many years and I am so grateful for the opportunity to make my amends, to seek justice and to make restitution - I seek redemption and to make my life right again.